


Once Upon a Cigarette

by snarkhive



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: BAMF Minerva McGonagall, Gen, Minerva McGonagall & Severus Snape Friendship, Severus Snape Being a Bastard, cursing, the target audience is me and i'm not ashamed to admit it, you can pry these headcanons out of my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23844034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarkhive/pseuds/snarkhive
Summary: Nothing could have prepared young Severus Snape for this.
Kudos: 17





	Once Upon a Cigarette

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing this purely to satisfy my own need for very specific Snape content. Publishing in case someone happens to have similar preferences
> 
> This is practically a one-shot but I might expand on it later.

An elegant travelling cloak billowing behind him, Severus Snape strode through the corridor. The voices of the commuting students echoed off the walls, leaving his ears ringing. 

_They are looking at you._

Severus was cautious not to trip over his disproportionately long legs. Not much had changed, he thought, as he took a familiar turn. Strolling through the castle, alone, in hand-me-downs. The piercing looks of students on his back, the unadulterated fear, as if he had never left. He debated whether he should hold onto his wand just in case, or leave it alone to avoid further suspicion. 

_You cannot let them see you like this._

Severus emerged victorious from a mental debate with himself. He shifted his focus from where he was stepping to making sure his hands stayed neatly on his sides. After too long a walk, Severus arrived to his dreaded destination. Following three light knocks and a twist of the lock, he found himself face-to-face with his old Head of House. 

"Severus! I wasn't expecting you so soon."

Horace Slughorn, Severus noted, hadn't changed one bit apart from the fact that the obvious bald spot on top of his head had gotten noticeably larger. He gestured for Severus to get in. 

"You asked to see me at my earliest convenience," said Severus. Had he not just uttered those words out loud, he’d have assumed it was someone else speaking. "I'm assuming this won't take long."

“Please, sit down,” Slughorn said. The subtle vibration in his voice gave away more than he had desired. “I wanted to go through your training plan once more before I take it to professor Dumbledore to sign.”

Severus nodded, not lowering his gaze. 

"Can I offer you something to drink? Rosmerta sent me the most wonderful-" 

"I’m fine," said Severus coolly. He would resurrect the dark lord himself before falling for Slughorn’s nonsense. He sat down, but not before Slughorn had plopped down onto his own chair. 

Severus cursed under his breath while fumbling with the door to his assigned accommodation. Slughorn had insisted he didn't want to keep Severus, yet had done the exact opposite. Severus had found himself practically running through the castle to meet with Dumbledore. Showing up to your first official staff meeting out of breath surely was a memorable impression to give. Severus reprimanded himself for not knowing to expect it. Slughorn had never been a man of his word, instead he was always weaseling out of any responsibility he found uncomfortable or too much work. He didn’t hesitate to sacrifice his less prosperous students in favour of the ones who he thought would let him continue enjoying a life no teaching salary could sustain. 

The last dig was hypocritical, but Severus allowed it for himself after the day he’d had. He, too, had discovered ways to live beyond his means. Severus glanced at his newly acquired hand-sewn travelling cloak that clashed horribly with the quality of the rest of his wardrobe. But Lucius had insisted on it, and Severus wasn’t foolish enough to turn down free things, especially ones so far out of his reach.

* * *

The full moon illuminated the empty corridor through a stained glass window. A tabby cat sat on a window ledge observing its surroundings. It listened attentively, as if to identify anything heading its way. The cat leapt down to the stone floor and listened again. 

The students had yet to catch on how professor McGonagall was able to catch them out of bed with such ease. The look on a student’s face when they came face-to-face with a professor despite turning a seemingly empty corner was always a sight worth seeing. 

Minerva stood up as she turned back into her human self. While her animagus form had its perks, she preferred being in her human body. She made sure to shine a light on every intersecting corridor she passed on her route. Most of the time night duty was dull work, but on occasion multiple groups of students decided to sneak out doing who-knows-what. 

So far the night had been peaceful bordering on boring, which was unusual for a Friday. Apart from busting two Hufflepuff seventh-years snogging in the broom closet, there had been no action. Minerva was almost aching to set some children straight. While she was quite fond of her students, she was not above enjoying telling them off for rule-breaking. 

On her second walkthrough of the top floor, Minerva spotted a dark figure slouching over the astronomy tower railing, blowing clouds of smoke into the night. Finally, she thought. Minerva corrected her posture and prepared to point her illuminated wand directly at the unsuspecting student’s face. 

“What is this?” said Minerva with a stern voice, “breaking the curfew, smoking in the astronomy tower,” she muttered as she walked over. “I need your name and house right this instant!”

Severus turned to his colleague with a humoured look. “Is that really necessary, professor?” he asked. The blank expression on Minerva’s face had Severus second-guessing his tone. McGonagall was his superior, and no amount of fabricated confidence changed that. For a second Severus was sure she could see through his reinvented exterior and carefully practiced speech patterns to expose the terrified boy Severus was so desperate to keep walled off. 

Minerva lowered her wand. “You need to check your tone, young man. I can still report you to the headmaster for not fulfilling your duties.”

Severus turned his body to face Minerva’s. Ironically, this was the first time Severus didn’t feel threatened by her. He took another drag of his cigarette. “Unless?”

Bargaining with a professor was yet another thing young Severus would never have dared to even dream of. But too much had changed in the years after his school days for him to pass on that opportunity. 

“Unless you have extra.”

A smug look crept on Severus’s face as he reached into his robes and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Minerva took one and lit it with a flick of her wand.

A minute passed in oddly comfortable silence. Severus believed this to be the perfect situation. No unnecessary chatter to disturb the peace.

Minerva seemed to disagree with that sentiment.

“How has your first week been?”

Severus groaned internally, but did not let his frustration take control of his outward expression. “Nothing but grunt work. Night duty, supervising detention, anything else Slughorn can’t be bothered to do himself.” 

Minerva was glad Severus was facing away from her and thus couldn’t read her expression. “I assumed you were busy. You have yet to come by the teacher’s lounge. Not to mention the fact you haven’t eaten a single meal in the Great Hall!” 

Severus let out a deep sigh. “That’s not exactly my scene. And Dumbledore keeps enough tabs on me already.”

Minerva’s tone could have been mistaken for sympathetic, but Severus was not unacquainted enough with her to fall for it. “I’m afraid your comfort zone is irrelevant in this matter. But if avoiding Albus is your goal, you should know he spends most of his time in his office and not with us. Besides, I’m sure he just wants to know you’re following his policies.”

“Well, his so-called policies are bullshit and so is he.” 

“Severus!” gasped Minerva. 

“He’s an idealistic fool, always more worried about minute details than anything that actually matters. He spends his days talking to his pet bird, speaks in obnoxious riddles to cover up he has no idea what he’s doing, and hires incompetent bastards to teach. I fucking hate children!”

Severus put out his smoke by smashing it against the railing. It hissed for a bit before Severus vanished it right out of his hand. 

Minerva said nothing. Severus clearly had some unresolved issues with Albus. She reached into her robes and pulled out a flask and offered it to Severus. 

“What’s this?” asked Severus, but didn’t wait for an answer. He shuddered after forcing down the liquid that left his throat burning. 

“Firewhiskey. You’re going to need some when you start grading essays.” 

Severus coughed a few times before pulling himself together enough to speak. “I think I’ll stick to regular whiskey.”

Minerva left out a small laugh. “That’s what everyone says at first. It’ll grow onto you”

They stood in silence again. This time not as strangers, but as colleagues, equals. For a second, there was no trace of the years Severus had spent hating Minerva. Neither was there any sign that those feelings had ever been reciprocated. 

Out of nowhere, Severus let out a chuckle. 

“Young man… I might adopt that,” he said, making Minerva shake her head in amusement. “I better get going and start fulfilling my duties before someone I can’t bribe comes along.”

“A wise decision.” 

Minerva’s eyes followed the boy until he was out of sight. Her distress grew at the same rate as the distance between them. The more she thought of her new co-worker, the less she understood. Four years ago she had seen the odd, twitchy boy walk out the gate, showing no desire to ever return. Now the kid was — at least she hoped — a former death eater, yet he still acted like a teenager. Hell, he acted more like a teenager than when he was a student. Minerva found herself agreeing with Severus. Albus really needed to reconsider his hiring practices. But she had to admit, the kid knew quality tobacco. 


End file.
